Why are the Liberals so Upset I Burned Down that Orphanage, Huh?

I’ll tell ya, there’s nothing sweeter than liberal tears. And that’s especially true of this latest fit the loony left is pitching about the orphanage I just burned down. Frankly, it’s pretty suspicious they’re so mad about it. It really just makes me feel vindicated that burning it down was the right thing to do.

Obviously the orphanage must have been their cash cow. Why else would they be so distraught that I poured gasoline on the modest possessions of a group of severely disadvantaged children and then lit a match without even glancing at their tearful, desperate faces? Why else would they be so devastated that I obliterated one of the tragically few institutions in existence that seeks to stem the onslaught of childhood poverty and disease our way of life has enabled? What reason could they have to be mad that I decided that the future of tens of thousands of people across the world was a political football, then melted that football with a blowtorch? There is no logical reason, except that the orphanage was their slush fund.

Seriously though, you should hear the ridiculous arguments they’re making. “Children who previously had food, medical attention, and a roof over their heads now don’t, and may never again,” they wail. “I single handedly undid a generation’s worth of positive change in a weekend,” they squeal. “Some of the children have asthma from all the smoke,” they bawl. Not a single argument has anything to do with personal enrichment. I mean, it’s downright silly.

Sure, we’ve all heard stories of mankind’s capacity for kindness and selflessness, but I thought we all knew those were just fairy tales. In the real world, personal gain is the only motivation. Those are just facts. I’ve literally never met a selfless person in my life, but now you mean to tell me that the radical blue-haired progressive movement is suddenly full of these mythical unicorns who “feel the pain of others?” And that tens of millions, if not hundreds of millions of people feel the same? No way. Not true. Obviously the libs are using all the money they skimmed on bots to push this fantasy.

Seriously, the only time I’ve ever felt pain or anguish is when someone denies me money, so that has to be what’s going on here.

And by the way, look at the bills for this place. They reek of corruption. Toys? Games? Cookies? Stuffed animals and blankets? “These are the things that make a childhood feel like a childhood!” They try to argue. “These are the things that make a home feel like a home!” They squall. Spare me. If these orphans were really so needy then they should be happy with three meals prepared to the bare minimum nutritional standard and a simple cot in a 9x11 concrete room. Maybe it even has bars on the window, to save on glass.

Come to think of it, my cousin runs a place like that. Turns a neat profit on it too. Maybe we should send the children there. Maybe that’d shut the liberals up.