Tips for How to Drink and Run the DoD Responsibly
Drink water between nuclear strikes.
Pete Hegseth's drinking worried colleagues at Fox News, sources tell NBC News
Stop us if this sounds familiar: You’re at a bar with a few close friends, kicking back and minding your own business with a beer or cocktail or two, when all of a sudden you’re asked to head up the largest and most powerful military in all of world history. We get it, we’ve all been there. Obviously, in an ideal world you’d never have literal world-ending power at your fingertips while knocking back a few brews with your bros, but we don’t live in an ideal world, we live in the real world. So here’s a few tips for running the Department of Defense when you’ve had a few.
1). Count your wars - Goodness knows it's easy to get caught up when the good times are flowing, so be sure to keep careful count of wars, conflicts, special military actions, and diplomatic interventions. This is crucial. One minute you could be sitting at the bar sharing a laugh over a “peace mission,” the next you could find yourself in a series of unwinnable forever wars. Know the conversion rates. A full-on war has a higher BAC (Bombings, Atrocities, & Casualties) than a police action does, but if you have three or four police actions, that’s basically the same as having a war.
2). Never drink and drive and conduct military operations - We all know this one. We’ve been hearing it since junior prom. “Drinking impairs your motor skills and ability to accurately assess the necessity of large scale military plans,” some authority figure would say. Got it, thanks mom. And let’s be real, who among us hasn’t been right on edge of tipsy and decided “fuck it, if I just roll down the windows and blast some Judas Priest, stick to the back roads, and only oversee a few covert amphibious operations, I’ll be just fine.” But now that you have the entire United States Military industrial complex at your disposal, you just can’t take that risk. One mistake could result in a DUI or everyone on planet Earth dead, and bang, your career is over.
3). Pay attention to the warning signs - The main thing about drinking and exercising a military power so great that you’re practically a living god is to know your limits. And know when to ask for help. If you feel the need to hide your drinking, or a litany of war crimes, it’s probably time to raise your hand and say “hey, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed here.” We promise, no one is going to be mad at you (except maybe those buzzkills at the ICC). And if you find yourself hitting up Bottomless Mimosas and Missile Strikes every other morning, it might be time to take a step back and say to yourself “hey there buddy, it’s time to chill out.” We’re not saying to take yourself to task any time you have a few too many and invade the wrong country, we all have our weaknesses, after all. Just try not to make a habit of it.
4). Always eat before a night of war gaming - Never drink heavily and then wage war on an empty stomach. That’s just common sense. Colin Powell tells a great story about how he skipped dinner before a drinking and war gaming session and woke up on a bed of gold bricks spooning a giant statue of Sadam Hussein. He was supposed to just be doing maneuvers in Virginia! And look, while Colin makes the whole thing sound like a hilarious misadventure, that’s not always the case. Sometimes there are real consequences.
No one is saying you can’t have a few drinks from time to time and be in charge of America’s military. So long as you follow the above advice, and do so responsibly and intentionally, you can ensure that everyone has a good time and gets home safe at the end of the night without starting World War III.