The Rage Machine

All the hate you need, practically for free!

There’s a machine that fits in your pocket, that delivers mainline hate on demand. It’s all yours if you want it, and we know you do. It’s the most popular machine our species has ever invented.

This machine has lots of bells and whistles. You can use it to follow sports, talk to your friends, get on a plane, call a cab, learn about a new culture, call your mother, connect with other human beings, and all those other little niceties, you like to call “living a life.” In fact, the machine is the only way to do a lot of those. But they’re not the point of the machine.

Pure, unfiltered rage. That’s the point.

Because rage is what you crave. Admit it, there’s nothing you love more than spending one third to one half of your day looking for things to give you that nasty little dopamine spike. You know it’s wrong but it feels so right. And aren’t all the best things like that? Sex, drugs, and hate, baby, forget the rock n’ roll. So step right up and spin the wheel. Guaranteed to make you feel. No kumbaya, no turn the page. All you need is rage, rage, rage!

Don’t blame me. If I didn’t invent the Rage Machine, someone else would have. That’s because every generation and society in human history discovers at some point that rage is the secret to riches and power. Hate the natives, steal the rubber. Hate the poor, screw ‘em, take some more. Hate your neighbor, make me king and I’ll make them sorry. Oh that’s right, when you’ve got a good rage going, getting even is the greatest prize of all, no spoils of war required. So here’s the deal, you get the revenge, I get the gold. Deal? Of course it’s a deal.

Here’s the thing though, the rage can’t be righteous, it can’t be in service of finding truth, and it can’t be about justice. They say justice is blind, well rage is blind, deaf and dumb. Those are the rules. That’s how you use the machine.

Also, no compromise, no understanding, no nuance. The second anyone says anything you disagree with, they are your permanent enemy and the source of all the ills of the world. Every single person on the Rage Machine speaks for their entire religion, state, country, political affiliation, and ethnic group at all times. Big feelings and broad brushes. That’s what we do here.

And most important of all, the rage can never be pointed up at the people pulling the strings.

It’s a clever little trick we’ve pulled. You can’t rage against the machine when rage IS the machine. I probably shouldn’t be telling you that, but it hardly matters now. We own the rage and that’s as good as owning God.

So that’s the Rage Machine, take it or take it. What’s that you ask? Do we have a Love Machine? How about this: you show me how to make money off of love, and I’ll build you one right then and there.